please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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