You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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