I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
