did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
