My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
