I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
