In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
