You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
