Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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