I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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