im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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