is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
