I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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