$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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