Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
