if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
