u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
