Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
