The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
