Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
