so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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