I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
