Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
