the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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