I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
