There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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