I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
