I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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