Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
