im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
