Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
