And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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