He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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