I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
