Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
