After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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