'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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