I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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