were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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