I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
