i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
