I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It was confusing and full of hummus
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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