he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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