if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize