I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
