I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
