I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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