it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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