so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
