If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
