It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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