you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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