Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
