My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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