Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
pop tarts are not kleenex
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
